–published 2004
–Macmillan Audio
–abridged version, 4 hours, 33 minutes
–4.25/5 stars

Even before the release of The Return of the King in theaters, the die was cast: I would forever proclaim myself to be a fan of Tolkien as author, and Peter Jackson as film maker. While I waited to read the trilogy for the first time after I had seen all the films, I did not wait to begin collecting a host of nonfiction books about J.R.R. Tolkien and about the process of making this epic film trilogy. One of the books that I was hesitant to get, once it was released, was Sean Astin’s memoir about his involvement in the making of the Lord of the Rings trilogy; the reason being that so many of the reviews I read on Amazon painted Astin as an egotistical, largely negative and overly neurotic individual. Having watched the ‘making of’ documentaries on the extended editions over and over again, which presented a largely positive spin on the process, I was loathe to pick up anything that might tarnish my own fantasies about what to me has always seemed a dream opportunity. I always knew, in the back of my mind, that temptation, and the lack of new print material about the films, would eventually drive me to pick up Astin’s book. That conundrum was taken out of my hands this past Christmas when Jeff gave me the audio copy of this book, read by the actor himself. As I was perusing my to be read shelf last week I came across this audio book and felt such a strong urge to listen to it that I put it in the CD player in the truck that very morning. What followed was a very engaging and emotional experience as I listened to Astin’s recollections over the next couple of days.

Let me start off by saying that the majority of the reviewers’ criticisms that I have read on Amazon.com are valid, in particular if one approaches this work choosing to interpret it entirely from a negative point of view. Had I read the print version, I believe I might have come away with a very different reaction to this story. However, having the author read it, thus allowing him to present it in his own tone, with his own emphasis, gave me a very different perspective from my expectations.

This is Sean Astin’s story, beginning not long before he got a call from his agent about a possible role in the then upcoming Lord of the Rings trilogy to a time not long after the record breaking Oscar run in early 2004. He is very clear upfront that his purpose in writing this book is to be honest with the reader about his struggles and his successes in being involved with this project. Throughout the book he reiterates that his desire is to be “honest”, a trait which certainly does not always paint him in the most favorable light. Those familiar with Astin’s Hollywood parentage are certain to knowof his mother, Patty Duke, and her battles with manic-depression, what is now more commonly referred to as Bipolar Disorder. It was hard to resist the idea throughout Astin’s reading that the apple certainly did not fall far from the tree. I do not know if Sean Astin has inherited her illness, but at the very least his insecurity and mood swings, from high to low and back again, mirror the disorder on some level. Oddly enough, however, I found the whole account of his experiences to be encouraging as well as being a take on the experience of making these films that I was happy to add to the sum total of all I have read or seen about the films thus far.

To be certain, Sean Astin was either ill-advised by his editor or perhaps chose to ignore the advice of his editors on a few occasions. What for the most part seemed to be a story that stayed focused on the central premise of it being Astin’s personal experience with this journey, there were a few occasions where he strayed closer to a Hollywood tell-all than I was comfortable with. This was particularly true in his revelations of his roller-coaster relationship with Sir Ian McKellen. While it served the story to tell of his own insecurities in being involved with a star of McKellen’s caliber, it did not serve him or his book well to share negative things about McKellen or any of the other actors involved in the film. Mercifully this was a small part of the overall book, but I believe it painted him in a petty light and made me sad that he didn’t have better handling when it came to bringing the book to print. I cannot help but think that he must now regret some of what was printed, particularly since he seemed to regret it on some levels even as he was saying it. He certainly went out of his way to effusively praise those he said negative things about.

As I said, the majority of this book was not about that, but was about Sean Astin’s desire to make Samwise Gamgee “real” and his belief that Sam was a “heroic character”, a phrase he mentions often. The passion he describes for the character and consequently the agony he put himself through with his fears and insecurities, coupled with bouts of confidence and at times arrogance, made Astin seem much more real, and flawed, than perhaps one is used to reading in a memoir. These moments were all the more poignant hearing the author share them himself. What I also found important to remember while I was listening to it was that Astin was going back and trying to be brutally honest about what he felt at very specific moments throughout the process. He often said during these revelations that he now knows that he was wrong in some of his reactions, in his fears and insecurity, etc. I’m not sure those who were heavily critical gave the same weight to his attempts to be accountable for his thoughts and actions that they did to his moments of pride and negativity.

Going into this book I must admit that I was pretty much expecting to be put off by Sean Astin. Instead I found myself comparing my own struggles with feelings of inadequacy towards the level of responsibility I have been given in my career with his. I found his experiences of being both inspired by and intimidated by people to be not unlike things I have went through. And I found his fears–fear of failing, fear of not measuring up, fear of not being given the opportunity to make this character his own–to be not those of some spoiled Hollywood brat, but to be those of a real person. And I found his triumphs and his excitement about those things that went well all the more thrilling because of the stress he brought upon himself by the very nature of his personality. At times he comes off as self-important, perhaps even grandiose, but as I listened I found myself wondering if that is not a prerequisite to being in the acting field in general. Without self-confidence bordering on egotism does anyone actually succeed in that business?

Even as I step back and re-read this review I am not certain that I am doing justice to the very deep emotional connection that I made with this book. Had I read, or listened to, this book much earlier in my infatuation with all things Lord of the Rings I am pretty sure my reaction would have been much different. But at this point in my life where the books and the films have become a source of strength and comfort to me, I am very open to gaining new perspectives to add to my own. If what I have shared gives you the impression that this is a book to avoid, I would ask you to take a closer look. I learned things that were only hinted at in the ‘making of’ DVDs: for example, more insight into the sudden cast change that put Viggo Mortensen into the role of Aragorn, and I came away with a much deeper appreciation for the life that Sean Astin breathed into Sam. It also reinforced my belief that the makers of the Lord of the Rings trilogy were truly amazing. How they pulled all this off was, and remains, nothing short of miraculous.

Time and again when the last notes of the end credits music of The Return of the King die out, or when I turn that last page in the appendices of the book it was based on, I feel a sense of joy mixed with a profound melancholy. I felt the exact same way in listening to Sean Astin’s account of his experience with The Lord of the Rings. Here is a man who was involved with one of the greatest film experiences of all time playing one of Tolkien’s most beloved characters who at times was on top of the world reveling in all that was going on and during others was missing out on just how amazing the experience was because of his own insecurities and personality issues. I couldn’t help but feel for him. It reminded me so clearly how important it is to live in the moment and to not lose sight of the large and small adventures that we are presented with every day. I have always respected Astin’s performance as Samwise Gamgee but hadn’t always respected him as a person in the process. Even in the DVD’s he came off as being difficult at the very least. But now my understanding of him is much greater and so I can respect who he is and what he gave to the process. I don’t excuse him, and I don’t believe everything he wrote was necessary or that it served him well, but I do appreciate his efforts to be honest and in so doing adding to the canon of books that make me happy to be a fan of J.R.R. Tolkien and of Peter Jackson and all who made Middle-earth come alive on the screen.