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Decommissioned

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“It is of great use to the sailor to know the length of his line, though he cannot with it fathom all the depths of the ocean.”
~John Locke

(Update on ‘the procedure’ in comments section)

For twenty-seven odd years the men of the U.S.S. C. Vincent Anderson have maintained a proud tradition of always being ready and able to engage in infiltration, armed and ready for quick dispersal. Never mind that only one man in a long line of seamen ever landed safely on shore–he was sent on the only mission ever designed for true conquest, the rest of the men have only ever been on maneuvers.

In spite of all the retired submariners around him, this commander has maintained an armed vessel, proud of his ability to deploy when and if necessary. Sadly that time is coming to an end. Tomorrow morning, at oh-eight-thirty hours, the men of the U.S.S. C. Vincent Anderson will be decommissioned.

_________________________

“Vasectomy means not ever having to say you are sorry.”
~Larry Adler

Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen. I have laid in provisions: bags of frozen peas, a pile of books, dvds, a box of Kleenex in case I begin to feel nostalgic and the tears start to flow. All that remains is the knowledge that this is my final 24 hours of active duty and I have no plans for any secret, last minute armed missions–that and the knowledge that sometime early tomorrow morning I am required to take a razor to my own nether regions. Something about that just isn’t right! Guess that ruins my plans for a late night bender, one needs steady hands for this kind of precision work.

As my men get ready to contemplate life after active duty, let me tell you that you should not be surprised if upon waking you hear mournful music:

” Now I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of “Taps” being played. Gently.”
~Ralphie, A Christmas Story

Wish me luck, everyone.

43 thoughts on “Decommissioned”

  1. I had to read this 4 times before I knew what you were talking about. Very clever. It’s because I kept skipping over the Larry Adler quote for some reason.

    I have a friend who did this and is so happy with his decision he won’t stop talking about it. Anyway, best of luck!

  2. Just don’t go horseback riding two days after your procedure. (Yes, I know someone who did this. And yes, the results are pretty much what you would imagine.)

  3. *stunned silence*

    Er – good luck?

    *Still pretty stunned*

    I have no words. Only gratitude that I NEVER have to go through it. But, good luck. Really. It’s okay to back out at the last minute if you change your mind. Really. Run like the wind.

  4. I also had to reread it to realize you were not actually a naval officer mourning the retirement of his ship!
    So, um, good luck and let us never speak of this again. Except maybe for an update after you get back!

  5. Good luck to the boys in blue. I hope to never have to hop in the stirrup for one last rodeo, but my time may cum. I’ve heard of men who get sick afterwards and spew, but I’m sure that won’t happen to you. Call me if you need a hand.

  7. OH MY GOSH,CARL!!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU SOMETIMES! HOWEVER,I WAS LAUGHING OUT LOUD AS I READ OF YOUR PLIGHT TOMORROW,OR FLIGHT IF YOU CHICKEN OUT. BY THE WAY DON’T FORGET TO TAKE THE PAMPHLET BACK!!! GOOD LUCK AND WE WILL CHECK ON YOU TOMORROW! LOVE YOU!!!

  8. Mom: I got the pamphlet all ready to go. Even read the darn thing too. That was a mistake.

    SciFiChick: One must share their misery. 😉

    Tom: Very clever. I should feel repulsed but I feel all warm and tingly inside. What time can you be over tomorrow?

    HomieBear: I’m sure I’ll let everyone know that I made it through my traumatic experience.

    Dark O: Too late now, once I let Mary know I was finally up for this, pardon the pun, there was no turning back.

    Wayne: Horseback riding? I think pure common sense would stop someone from doing that. I cannot imagine how painful the aftermath of that was!

    Scott: Thanks, sorry I led to so much initial confusion. 🙂

  10. Ha, that is great Stuart! Probably not, unless I can get Mary to buy one of those outfits. Hmmm…..

  11. Be brave soldier, be brave…I too had no idea what the hell you were talking about at first but didn’t think it could be good…I had no idea how bad it truly was though…kidding of course. Good luck to you, I’m sure everything will go fine.

  12. …and I had to read Stuart’s comment to get it. I echo Dark Orpheus words 😛 And good luck!

  13. Good luck, and I totally agree that steady hands are needed for your night-time plans with the razor.

  14. All I can say is this is probably the nicest pre-birthday present anyone has ever given me. 😉

  15. Oh man. Now that I’ve stopped laughing, I’ll try to feel a little bit of sympathy for you!! I hope all goes well. Even though the U.S.S. C. Vincent Anderson is being decomissioned, at least he can still take a few pleasure cruises!!

  17. I finally stopped laughing, then I got to Stephanie’s comment and rolled out my chair again.

    Mary is one lucky woman though…I had to take matters into my own hands. Uhhh…maybe that didn’t sound quite right, but I’m sure you know what I meant.

  18. My sailors have been retired for a while now.

    The captain sure doesn’t miss having to pull out the tarp every time the USO sends the entertainment.

  19. How sweet(?) to put yourself through this instead of getting your wife to do it. Good luck and take care!

  20. Holy Smoke, mister! Just makes me glad to be fighting on the other side.

    The V-word’s not even in my handy homosexual dictionary. I had to go look it up in the straight dictionary. 😛

    I’d say boxers for you, son. Stay away from them briefs.

  21. Now that I’ve stopped laughing….no wait a minute…. now I’ve really got it under control… nope … here it goes. 🙂

    I will just say that all of us fellow ” geldings ” will observe a moment of silence tomorrow morning as another joins our ranks.

    Mary – Just to let you know, you set the bar pretty high on gift giving this year. I can’t of how I’m going to top Carl’s gesture this year for my own better half. 🙂

  22. For the record…these have to be the best comments I have read since I started blogging :p

  25. LOL!!!

    I’m sorry I shouldn’t laugh. Look, if it is any consolation my hubby ‘sailed’ through the experience. Other than the fact that I was reading comic books in the waiting room – and you could hear my wails of laughter (at the comic you understand) in the day surgery. And the fact he came over all woozy as he came out – keeled over – hit the magazine table and broke his ribs. The actual procedure he sailed through 🙂

  26. Sally: No way! I’ll try to avoid that if at all possible. 🙂

    RB: Indeed!

    Abby: What, You don’t think I should shave my face with that one afterwards?

    Chris: Some of the best comments I’ve seen as well.

    Jeff: That’s me, Mr. Gift-giver. Ugh!

    David: After reading the pamphlet there was no way I was looking up any more about this, that was disturbing enough!

    Heather: Yes, Mary is quite appreciative of the sacrifice.

    James: Well done, my friend. Hands down the funniest comment I’ve ever read.

    Debi: Hope you remain safely in your chair the rest of the day!

    Quix: It will all be fine, thanks. And, unfortunately, smooth. 😉

    Stephanie: I’ll be looking forward to the day that I feel like pleasure cruises again.

    Fence: the hands seem steady enough…we’ll see.

    Nymeth: Thank you.

    An hour and a half away from D-Day…or I guess that would be V-Day!

  27. For those of you wondering, the surgery went off without a hitch. The doctor had steady hands and all that!

    Some valuable insights gained from the experience:

    1. Unless she is planning on assisting, no nurse should be sitting in front of you telling you just how many ejaculations you need to have before bringing in your first sample.

    2. There really is something profoundly not right about a man being asked to lay on a table and put his feet in the stirrups.

    3. No matter how hard one tries to not think about what is going on (I was thinking about my reading plans and DVD viewing plans for the weekend), it really is next to impossible to not be thinking, and cringing inside, about what is happening to you down there.

    4. Shaving one’s jewels in the early morning hours may not be as hard as one would think, but is certainly not the way to start your day.

    Oh well.

    Hopefully it won’t be too long until:

    My motor is running, I’m:

    and we’re back to:

    Talk about TMI!!!

  29. I don’t know what happened by I can finally get here again! Hooray!!!…

    ok.. so after reading all of this maybe not hooray? heh.. poor baby! I think I finally know someone who can now sympathize with a woman having to go and have to use stirrups now!!

    You should have learned how to throw your voice before this and when the doctor was bent “down there” you could have used the voice and plead with him not to hurt you! lol lol

  30. You know me, Chris, stick with a theme…it all has to be tied together somehow! Ha!

    Deslily: You’re back!!! I had forwarded your emails to my guys so hopefully they made it so this won’t ever be an issue for you again. Thrilled to see you back on here, you’ve been missed here eventhough we’ve been keeping in touch. And yes, we could’ve used a bit of comedy there for awhile.

  31. Good to hear you’re okay Carl. You should be proud to know that today at Lake City, 20 men stood and saluted the east and a trumpet played. One co-worker (who has also been decommed) said he demanded a viking funeral for his sailors.

  32. Glad to hear the decomissioning went smoothly! And may you now feel greater sympathy for womankind and her regular dealings with stirrups.

  33. Pass along my sincerest thanks, Cameron. As I lay on the table, feet in stirrups, I could feel the collective intake of breath of men the world over as that first incision was made! 🙂

    Debi: I’ve always felt sympathy for womankind in that regard…I just didn’t want to feel it so concretely.

  34. My friend Tim got his and the doctor said he had never seen such small connections. They had to like dig into him to get them. He told me he wanted to cry “Freedom!”. That’s exactly my luck, so for now the factory is full steam ahead.

  35. Congratulations on making it through – and thank you for the wonderful laughter created by all the comments here – great way to kick off my weekend.

    You just take it easy.

    BTW – Loved Cameron’s response

  37. Not at all Suzanne, I’ve had my share of laughs too, despite them being at my expense!

  38. OMG Carl! I’m glad you’re ok, but I might need surgery now for the hernia I’ll have from laughing SO DAMN hard! Especially your Mom’s comment 😉

  39. Sorry Janet, don’t mean to cause injury. I am doing well. Still a bit sore, but as all the women who have gone through labor would tell me, I have nothing to complain about. 😉

  40. Hands down, this has got to be the BEST post (and collection of comments) I’ve read since entering the wacky world of blogging. Very creative writing, Carl! Thanks for providing all of us with lots of laughs. I’m going to pass this on to my hubby, who claims the doctor used a butter knife on his jewels.

  41. Thanks Les! I certainly had fun doing it (the post, not the surgery). Although I certainly milked my recovery time for all it was worth. If your husband is a reader and needs more down time for reading I highly suggest the surgery. Having a doctor tell you to sit still for 2 or 3 days is the best medicine for a book lover!

  42. Oh, he already had the surgery — almost 20 years ago! He claims the doc used a butter knife instead of a scalpel. Poor guy.

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