(Photo credit: Jennifer Cakert, “Jenn See”, 2006)
To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
…A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
…a time to embrace…~Ecclesiastes 3: 1-2, 4, 5 (KJV)
Today marks the 5th anniversary of the passing of one of my very first online friends, Jennifer “Jenn See” Cakert. Her death was unexpected and all the more shocking because of how young she was, 26, and how much life she had left to live. Each year since then I have written a post of remembrance. While there must be times that it seems like this just happened yesterday for her family and for those who loved and embraced her in life, life does move forward and times of mourning have and naturally should turn to times of dancing…times of embracing. This is even more true for someone like me who only knew her through her words, her pictures, and the sharing of thoughts on those seemingly trivial things that make us who we are and make life our own unique journey. I don’t say this to trivialize grief in any way. I have not lost a child, a parent, a sibling, a lover or even a really close friend who I’ve known for a long period of time. I won’t pretend to even be able to imagine that kind of grief. No doubt one unfortunate and not-looked-for day in my future I will become intimately acquainted with the kind of grief felt by Jennifer’s mother, her siblings, and others who spent their days with her.
But on this day I don’t want to mourn. I don’t want to post something that will compel people to try to come up with words of comfort or sympathies for loss. It is a day to celebrate life. Mourning has turned to dancing. Let me show you how:
At the risk of sounding trite and setting aside (very important) beliefs about life after death, I do firmly believe that one of the ways we live on after we depart from this life is in the connections we make with others and the seeds that we sow into their lives. It is easy to look at famous authors, artists, musicians and see how their works of passion and creativity continue their legacy by the way that they enrich the lives of those who partake of their work. But do you realize that we all do that? You and I may not ever write a story or create a work of art or compose a piece of music that will be remembered a hundred years from now, and yet the impact that we have on those around us is, to my mind, far more important and far more rewarding. We were not created to live our lives in a vacuum. The saying that “no man is an island” is true. Whatever we do for good, and for ill, plants seeds in our lives and the lives of those around us that grow and produce some kind of harvest.
When I look back at my early days of blogging, it was Jenn See and her two partners in crime (Mysfit and oldben) who taught me by example what blogging could be about. I mentioned in the recent Facelift post that were it not for the technical expertise and support of my friend James, I would most likely not have continued blogging for this long. I also mentioned that it is the relationships formed with you dear friends and fellow bloggers that fuels my emotional investment in blogging. Both are so very true and it was Jenn See and the gang who were the first of these online friends, people I had never met in “real life” but was suddenly building a connection with. Thus it is also true that Jennifer Cakert inspired me to do the kind of blogging that eventually led me to meeting each and every one of you, that led me to forming relationships with you, and allows me the privilege of sharing your moments of mourning and your moments of dancing. On a busy day that may seem trivial. But it is far from trivial. Relationships are what life is all about, and I am not one to trivialize the importance of the friendships I have made all while sitting in front of a plastic box. Life is truly amazing.
But that is not all. Jennifer Cakert’s life, and her death, continue to impact people in profound ways, in ways that only time will reveal the full extent of. One way this happens through the efforts of her mother, Cynthia Walker, and a dedicated group of family and friends who maintain the Jan-Ai Scholarship Fund. As of June 17th of this year, the memorial scholarship has raised over $57,426 in scholarships/cash awards have been awarded to 159 recipients. In the past I donated a picture that was sold at an art auction that went towards this scholarship. Several of you have given to this scholarship in the past. We have made a difference. Because a young lady who wrote poetry and took amazing pictures left this world before all of her dreams could be realized, many other young people have been given and will continue to be given a small sum of money that has the potential to make an enormous impact on their lives and the lives of those around them. Some of these young artists may go forth to create those stories, works of art, or music that last well beyond their and our lives. Or maybe none of them will. But the point is that people are being given an opportunity to pursue their passions with at least some of the financial burdens being carried by people who care about art and care about life and want to sow seeds of compassion into the lives of others that they may never meet.
It staggers the imagination to think of the ripples we make in life’s pond when we throw even the smallest stone, or the fruit that is grown from even the tiniest seed planted. At the risk of offending, I don’t hold with the poetic idea that “everything happens for a reason”. Sometimes a tragedy is just that, a tragedy. Dying at age 26 is a tragedy. I am sorry, but it is true. One of the beauties of life is that tragedy can birth triumph if those who experience the tragedy are able to gather the strength and courage to turn their mourning into dancing, can open themselves up to the healing power of time and relationship. Friends, family and loved ones involved in the creation and maintenance of the Jan-Ai Scholarship Fund have done just that. And that, my dear friends, is a cause to celebrate. A reason to dance.
Cynthia Walker recently sent me a link to this article posted in the Press of Atlantic City which talks about Memorial Scholarships. If you scroll down you’ll see the very nice piece dedicated to the Jan-Ai Scholarship fund. I am so excited for her and for all of the people who have and will continue to benefit from the generosity of those who honor Jenn See and honor the arts by giving to this fund.
Lest this turn into a fund-raising post, let me assure you that this is not my intent. Don’t get me wrong, if you want to donate please do. It is such a worthy project and giving now has the potential to double your money as there is a $5,000 match up for grabs. My point is not to get you to give money, my point is this brief examination of life and the impact we can and do have on each other. My point is that amazing things can grow out of even the darkest of moments. Mourning can turn to dancing.
I am thankful for the lasting that this one internet connection has had on my life. Because of it I am able to have several conversations a year with Jennifer’s mother Cynthia who is a wonderful person. Not long ago she sent me some of her father’s science fiction hardbacks, something that might be deemed a small thing from the outside looking in but something that for me was and is a real honor. When I read and review them it may sow seeds into your life. When the books are passed on who knows how they may inspire a reader, young or old. Again, it is an incredible thing to think about how much a little thing can affect us. Because of that one internet connection I continued my fledgling blogging efforts and have met hundreds of creative, insightful, inspiring people. Yes, I am talking about you! And because of you my life is a enriched beyond the capacity for words to express. Jennifer did all that.
After 5 years I would ask you not for expressions of sorrow for loss, but instead expressions of life being embraced. How have others impacted your life, and how are you impacting others? Don’t trivialize your importance, or the importance of your influence in the lives of people you know and in the lives of people you will never meet.
The last thing Jenn See ever wrote on her blog was this:
so i will spend the next few days reveling in the past & in memories, collecting myself in the present, & looking to the future…which promises many new things & much Change, along with all that comes with these things.
In the aftermath of her passing these words haunted me. These words, written the day before she died, echoed the tragedy of the loss of someone so young. As the years have passed, however, these last words have come to be an inspiration to me and a mantra of sorts about how life should be lived. Reveling in the past while looking towards and embracing the future.
How wonderful would it be if we could live every day that way?
(Image credit: Cynthia Walker/Jan-Ai Scholarship Fund)
What an incredible post and tribute to your friend. My eyes are misty as I read the last thing she wrote – things like that sometimes make me wonder about how much we feel or know about the next phase in life. I’ve struggled with that thought. Beautiful, beautiful post.
Thank you so much. It is easy to write a post like this when you look back over a 5 year period and step back to examine just the tiniest part of how much impact one person can have, even after they have passed away. It is sort of hard not to be in awe of how life works.
🙂 What a beautiful post, Carl and such a wonderful reminder to look at the beauty that is life. I forget to look at that far too often, but damn, it’s awesome, isn’t it?
It really is awesome, Chris. In our profession it can sometimes seem twee to give a Rah! Rah! speech about how beautiful life is, but I won’t let that stop me as it is something I truly believe. Yes, it is also tragic and ugly and painful and a mess. But it can and should be so much more than that.
As the pain of loss is very recent for me, and the amount amount of loss so great over the last few years this one is a bit difficult for me. The ones I have lost will never realize the overwhelming impact they had on my life. Through them I learned that normalcy truly existed and that love is not synonymous with pain…lol I’ll stop myself there as the tears are winning the battle I’ve been waging with them…I’ll just say that If my actions in life effect even one person the way theirs did, I’ll have made a difference for the better 😀
Kelly: Never knowing quite what to say and afraid of losing the battle of a man’s gene-coded desire to want to “fix” everything, I’ll just say, with sincerity, that I am sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. It is true that once someone is gone they may not know, especially if we didn’t get a chance to tell them, just how they affected our lives. I think that was part of my desire for this post, to remind each of us now while we are here that we do make differences in the lives of those around us, big and small impacts. And even the smallest are vitally important. We should never believe the lie that says we don’ matter, no matter who we are or what circumstances we are going through.
Very beautiful and touching. It is a great reminder to not take the people in your life for granted and to cherish your friends. Thank you.
Thanks TBM. I need reminders of this now and then, especially when things get too busy and I get focused too much on my own stuff.
Well, Carl you have again touched me so very deeply with your elolquence and pure kindness of heart. I know how difficult it must be for one to continue to express sympathy for something that has “happened” so long ago. It just doesn’t seem real to those of us who have suffered a loss of a loved one. i wake up almost every day expecting to hear her voice.
I am so grateful that I can continue to honor her memory and help other young people fulfill their passion in the arts. It is only because of people like you that donate their work, time and money to make this all possible. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
It is my pleasure Cynthia. I don’t know why but this year I just felt the need to be honest with myself and everyone that I don’t truly know what that level of grief must be like. I’ve experience grief and loss, but not like you have. Not like friends whose parents have passed away. I do my very best to try to mourn with those who mourn and that is all I can do, my best. I do of course mourn the loss of Jennifer and it doesn’t seem to me like 5 years have passed since that day I opened up the blog to see that she had died. The shock of that will be a memory that lives on. But I’d hate to cheapen the remembrance of your daughter by doing anything to focus on my own loss when it compares not at all to the loss that you and your family and her lifelong friends have suffered. It is profoundly moving to me to have been able to just get a small glimpse of how you all have worked through this, allowed healing in, and how you have ensured that Jennifer and her passions are not forgotten.
You, Cynthia, are an inspiration as well and I’m so proud of the success of the Jan-Ai project.
I can’t believe it’s been 5 years, Carl!
As life is so fragile it is important to remember that we should live each day like it is our last.
Thanks for such a powerful reminder!
Me either, James. And every time this anniversary comes around I get the urge to watch Serenity. Mary and I went to see a special engagement showing of Serenity at Screenland (the place with the red leather recliners…the only way to watch a movie!) the night that I first found out about this. Jennifer’s passing and Serenity will forever be linked because of that.
That was lovely. Thank you.
Thank you Nic. 🙂
What a touching tribute. Well said! This couldn’t have come at a better time for me personally. Tomorrow I will be attending the funeral of one of my best friend’s 14 year old son. So yes, I totally agree with your statement “Dying at age 26 is a tragedy. I am sorry, but it is true.” It IS a tragedy. Absolutely heartbreaking. I envy you for having the words to memoralize your friend in such an incredible manner. I turn to music for the words I can’t form. “Don’t forget about me, I’m still down here. Here in the shadowland, here where there’s doubt, here where we must learn to live with what we live without.”, as the genius songwriter Lori McKenna so eloquently puts it.
I am so sorry for your loss, and your best friend’s loss. I really and truly cannot imagine what it must be like to have to bury a 14 year old child. Tragedy seems inadequate as a description. Music is a great thing to turn to for comfort, for expression, for peace.
very lovely. and inspiring.
Thanks L. I think you would have liked Jenn See and the rest of the “Fish” gang as they shared lots of the same loves that you write about on your site.
Wonderful post, Carl. There are several people in the book blogging community that have made my life all the better for knowing them and if I were to lose them, it would be a blow. One in particular I am thinking of and he knows who he is. I think it’s great how you celebrate your friend’s life and that you do these tribute posts each year.
Thank you, I am glad you enjoyed it. I didn’t want this year’s remembrance to be a downer. At this point I think that would be dishonoring Jennifer and her family and all the wonderful things that have been done because of her inspiration. Reading your comments and thinking more about this post today, especially after attending the graveside service of the mother of one of my former employees this afternoon, makes me realize the risks to our hearts that we take when we form relationships and how real these online-only relationships are and how, in the end, I think the risk is so very worth it.
You can always put into words exactly what a heart can be feeling. It doesn’t seem possible – 5 years have passed but I can still remember the exact moment I received the news. I guess I was the second person to know. Thank you for this incredible post. The words are a comfort. I can also say I know first hand how much appreciated your support and kindness have meant to Cynthia through the years. You are a very special person.
Mary Ann: Thank you so much, I really appreciate that. I must confess that it is quite easy to be supportive of wonderful people, and Cynthia is certainly one of those wonderful people.
Nice, but I’m waiting for the LOTR film review………
Its up!!!