The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
~Thomas Merton
The title of this post and the picture chosen are certainly not by accident. On the one year anniversary of her death, I reflected on a year without Jennifer with a tribute to just one of her many talents, her photography. It is one of the ways in which she lives on. That post along with others that have occurred since her death on June 22nd, 2006 have resulted in a great deal of thought on the nature of relationships, particularly regarding those formed through the medium of the internet.
Recently I had the unexpected pleasure to spend close to an hour on the phone with a journalist from the Philadelphia Inquirer, Amy Rosenberg, discussing Jennifer…Jenn See…and the power of connection. The article that came from this and many other interviews Ms. Rosenberg conducted was printed in yesterday’s edition.
(photo by Gerald S. Williams, property of Philadelphia Inquirer, used without permission)
The article, accompanied by a wonderful picture of Jennifer that accompanied the article in its printed form, and the above picture of Jennifer’s beautiful mother Cynthia in its online format, can be found here.
It is a wonderful article (although I had to chuckle at the statement about Bonnaroo being “a place Anderson would never find himself in a thousand years”) that not only celebrates Jenn See, but touches on what has certainly been a fascinating, albiet profoundly sad, exploration of relationship for me over the past year or so.
What the article explores, and what Ms. Rosenberg and I discussed (which then led to several other discussions with friends who ‘knew’ Jenn See) was just how surprising it is, at least on the surface, that such deep connections can be made without people ever physically meeting each other. I say ‘on the surface’ because I realized as I was talking to her that it really should not be surprising. The type of people we are–those who share emotional bonds through art, literature, music, and the writing about those interests as well as the sharing of parts of ourselves–allows us to be open to cultivating powerful emotional connections because of WORDS. How many times has that happened to us just by turning the page of a book? It is no wonder that the words we share about ourselves and our interests form such a powerful bond between us. What on the surface could seem a bit abnormal really is, by my account, the most normal thing that could happen given the unprecedented access we allow others to have into our lives.
Speaking to Ms. Rosenberg was interesting as it was the first time I really talked about how inspiring it was to have a relationship with a person of the opposite sex online that had absolutely nothing to do with the cliched ideas about opposite sex relationships most people have regarding the internet. I was able to share with her how so much of my initial grieving was for her boyfriend Tim (Oldben) and how all I could think about for days was what my life would have been like had the love of my life, Mary, been torn away from me during the early part of our life together. I was also able to share that, as it often happens in these situations, that I hadn’t fully realized the enormous inspirational impact Jennifer had on my life until she was gone. I knew some of it, of course. Following My Fish certainly inspired me to keep blogging early on when I was trying to figure out just what I was doing, and Jennifer’s writing and photography encouraged me to explore these areas in my own life. But again, the reality of that impact was driven home by her loss.
So that is why, dear friends, I have a tendency on occassion to slip in a little quote or a personal line or two that might seem very sappy when you read it but sincerely comes straight from my heart. That is why I take moments like the changing of seasons, or moments of sadness or loss, (or moments of happiness, or when a certain book or film touches me deeply, etc, etc, etc. 😉 ) to drag out the old chestnuts about ‘appreciating those around you’ and ‘loving the cherished ones in your life’. When I talk about ‘really living’ or ‘making the most of each moment’, I truly mean it. I mean it because the loss I experience without Jenn See (and by extension Mysfit and Oldben who understandably remain absent from the blog most of the time) is a loss that I do not want to experience again any time soon. And I most certainly want to cultivate and nuture all the relationships in my life while there is time to do so.
As I quoted at the beginning of this post:
The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
~Thomas Merton
I think that is one of the beautiful things about the internet. It allows us to allow each other to be perfectly ourselves. To geek out over the things that we love. To share those embarrassing moments that simply must be laughed at. To open our hearts and our lives to each other in the hope of finding acceptance out there…of finding someone that really does ‘get’ us. The bonds of love that grow between us as we share of ourselves are every bit as ‘real’ and as important as those that we form with those who are in close physical proximity to us. They are bonds that should be cherished.
I treasure my relationships with you amazing men and women. I treasure the times when I am hopefully an encouragement to those who share in the pain of Jennifer’s death. And I treasure both the memories and the ongoing inspiration that my all-too-brief online friendship with Jenn See wrought in my life.
Go read the article, and love on each other today.
_________________________
I am putting together a fund raising package for the art scholarship that celebrates the life and talent of Jennifer Cakert. Details will be available sometime in September. In the meantime, if you want to give or want more details about the scholarship, you may write to the address below:
Jan-Ai Scholarship Fund
c/o Bob Walker
P.O Box 8068
Atlantic City, N.J. 08404
That is a lovely article. And you are right about the internet and the connections it allows us to make. Great post.
Great post indeed. Like you said, making deep connections through the internet is only strange on the surface, really. Words really are very powerful things, and if we think about it, talking online is not all that different from having a nice conversation face to face or on the phone.
I think that now that more and more people have access to the internet, those cliched ideas about relationships formed online, especially between opposite sexes, are starting to disappear. I made many good friends, both male and female, through the internet. When I was younger, this used to concern my parents, who equalled the internet with dangerous sexual predators. But with time they realized I was only meeting people like myself, people who shared my interests, which is something I’ve never quite been able to do in the small town where I live.
The internet allows us to surpass these limitations – people are no longer confined to the places where they happen to live, and thanks to that, a lot of people around the world cease to be lonely.
This is a very good thing, and I think society in general is starting to realize it.
Carl, what a lovely, thoughtful post.
I never had the pleasure of “knowing” Jenn, but even so, seeing even that single photo stirs me.
There is something compelling about relationships built on the Web via blogs and email, and some of the friends I’ve made in that manner are more important to me than people I see regularly.
Thanks for a lovely post.
This is a beautiful post and tribute to your friend. She was, obviously, an amazing person.
I agree with your thoughts on making friends via the internet. I have met the most
interesting and amazing people. It has been a blessing in my life.
Love, Love, LOVE the quote.
i love that picture of jenn – it reminds me a lot of the dream i posted about in june and i have that as my desktop at work right now… 🙂
so carl v. i think it’s very interesting that jenn’s passing has shed light, or rather turned a neon spotlight on what we knew was true and that we didn’t really think about – that this great means of communication can breed love as well as fear. as i said on the fish, internet relationships got a bad wrap early on, but that is changing – we are changing that.
i was recently going through the archives on the fish and there’s a lot about them that are like having transcripts of conversations with a group of friends. which is really cool. i miss the heyday of the fish.
Beautifully, beautifully said.
I have to agree about the powerful connection words can bring about. My husband and I met some of our best friends through an online game of all places, and now we consider their family to be family to us. We drive an hour and a half at least once a month to spend time with them, and I treasure that time.
When you begin an online friendship, it might be casual, it might be fleeting, but it can also touch you in deep and permanent ways.
Beautiful post and a wonderful article. That picture is one of my favorites of hers. There’s something haunting and beautiful about it, and I loved it as soon as I saw it in your tribute post for the first time.
When I take the time to really think about it, I actually feel honored to be part of the blogging community. I was talking with another blogger about this last night. Blogging has allowed relationships to form that might never have formed before, most definitely wouldn’t have formed before. We can meet some of the most amazing people that share our interests because we can find a whole community of our interests. It’s an amazing thing.
I truly do cherish my relationship with each blogger that I’ve become friends with in the short time that I’ve been blogging. I look forward to talking with each one of you each day and to seeing what everyone has to say. It really is a special thing.
The quote that you’ve given us is beautiful. I love it. Definitely one for the books.
Your post is very touching. I really am pleased with how the article turned out. It was a great tribute to the good in internet relationships and to JennSee.
And what a lovely picture of Jenn’s mother!
Sometimes my head tries to tell me all of “this” on the internet is simply “unreal”…but my heart always knows better. This was such a beautiful post, Carl.
Okay, you did it again. I just popped in to see what was up and there she is my daughter looking at me. I love it. Does anybody get the game she is playing? Think about it she has us all playing. I love it. She really has reached out and touched us from another dimension. I think what you have done Carl is amazing and I am truly grateful that you have helped to keep her “alive”. I wish you could have heard her giggle. Look at the her face than close your eyes, and listen. Hear it?
Cynthia
Cy
I echo the words of other posters that what you’ve said here is simply beautiful.
It doesn’t stop here, though. Like you said, Carl, we keep sending that message out there, we keep our true selves in print, bare it all, so that what each of us “sees” is the real you and you and you in all that we write, all that we share.
And…it’s all in print, folks. trace it back. Jenn See’s all over this movement. And those who knew her will never forget that..
At the risk of repeating what everybody else is saying, or committing a gross understatement–
Well said, Carl.
a beautiful post, carl.
yeah, we are really very lucky to have this – this blog-network. it is incredibly supportive and i am so happy to have met the people that i have through it.
and, i love those old chestnuts of yours!
Wow! Thanks everyone! It is so affirming to read all of your very wonderfully worded confirmations of what I feel about the internet and relationships that can be formed via the online world. It is very nice to see positive things from this medium rather than all the negative things we hear about predators, online dating, etc. It can be a very liberating means of communication and I am so grateful to be a part of it and to be a part of your lives.
That picture of Jennifer is pretty haunting in many ways. Good ways. And certainly lends itself to alot of interpretation and meaning in regards to life and death, etc.
Cynthia, one of the things that I do miss about communication over the internet is the inability to hear people’s voices, to see their smiles, to hear their laugther, etc. I think the voice one ‘hears’ over the internet is a unique one and often a very insightful one, so the trade off is worth it, but I do regret not knowing what people sound like, etc.
Mysfit. 🙂 🙂 🙂
Thank you for this beautiful post. And for picking out a particularly lovely picture of Jenn. Also, thanks for the mention of the Scholarship fund. We are all hoping that the upcoming event on the 29th of September will not only be successful in fundraising but a most memorable experience for all who attend. Wish you could be there – I think there are a lot of us who would be so happy to have a chance to meet you and thank you in person for all your kindness. You are a special person and your Mary is a lucky lady to have you!!!
Reading this blog after having been away for awhile just reinforces some of what you’re saying. I was surprised how much I missed hearing what everyone was reading and their reactions to your writings. This, and all of your articles on Jen See, do such a wonderful job of helping me realize the impact of the people we touch in our lives. I love that quotation. Since facing the fact that I actually will die at some time has made me appreciate people so much more. Thank you, since you are one of them.